Carolyn, Angel of Mine

Friday evening I dreamt of my dear childhood playmate. When I think of my childhood, I think of Carolyn. She was my neighbor from birth through age 10 or 11. The details escape me. I can still see her angelic face, her soft pale skin and her golden locks. We played for hours on end, played and played.

As I walked in the receiving line the day of her laying to rest, I cried harder than I have ever cried before. It was an uncontrollable wail, a howl that in a normal setting would have been heard miles away and would have commanded help of some kind. But that day, May 29th, 2003, everybody cried. The room was filled with tears, heartache, loss and love. As I approached my dear childhood companion laying still in her casket, my cries were replaced with peace. That was the effect that Carolyn had in life and now in death.

Thinking about the last interaction her and I had is hard. Almost 5 years in a new home, with new friends, we passed in the hall at school. She suggested we get some lunch over the weekend. I can still picture the very hall, the color of the walls, her backpack, my black boots. It was if somewhere inside me, I was aware that this would be my final conversation with her. To remember so clearly. To remember SO clearly.

We never did have that lunch. That will always be my biggest regret. I know that I could not have saved her, Carolyn's life and death was predetermined. But I could have said I love you. I could have reminded her of the way we used to paint her driveway with water and really believed it was paint every time. Or of the million or so times we watched Annie together. I could have told her how I cried for hours the day my dad told me we were moving. I could have just held her hand or her body.

This was not the first time Carolyn has come to visit me. When I lost my baby a few years back she came to me several times. She brought light to such darkness. It was a Facebook post by her brother on Saturday morning to memorialize her 7 year anniversary that jogged the memory of the dream I had the night before. There was no premeditation that led to my dream that night, I am not one for remembering dates. Carolyn came to me, as she has in the past, peacefully and timely.

Thank you, Angel of Mine.

Carolyn was tormented with overlapping mental illnesses that modern medicine could not help. If you know someone who suffers from mental illness and would like to help, please visit the National Alliance For Mental Illness (NAMI) website.

"Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels"

I weigh in at about 119 at 5'2. Now since I am still nursing, I reduce that number down a bit in my head. I have lost approx 13 lbs since January.

It was then that my dear husband pointed out that I may be gaining some weight.

Ladies, Ladies, you can close your mouths. We have a mutual agreement that if one of us appears to be packing on the pounds (and there are no extenuating circumstances like pregnancy for me and oh yeah, he gets to gain during pregnancy too), we will tell each other immediately.

He knows me so well as to pinpoint an exact moment to the pound that puts me out of his comfort zone. It's a bit harder for me to tell as he can cover it far better.

This little agreement, this right we have bestowed upon one another, is healthy as far as I am concerned. I do not expect perfection by any means-BUT- having a healthy sex life is a necessity. Like a, could- have- been- in- a- pre-nuptial- agreement- if- I- had- one, necessity.

Trust me, the first (and only) time my husband exercised this right back in January was not pretty. I was a little over a year post pregnancy and I thought I looked ok. I came down in to the living room in my new jean leggings that I was so very excited about, and bam he gave me the news. I was pissed, so fucking pissed my head was spinning. This is my usual reaction to cover up hurt and embarrassment. He said very calmly, "I am just exercising my right Michele, I love you know matter what." I told him how fat he was and how he wasn't the one who carried our dam baby for 9 months. I told him he should go find someone better, thinner, and that looked good in jean leggings.

You are still probably convinced that this was cruel treatment. But what I haven't told you is that I have previously exercised this right, on several occasions and was the one to implement it as an agreement in the first place. And so my husband at this moment reminded me of that.

Ok, so what is a girl to do but lose some weight. I pride myself on being attractive in the eyes of my husband. I recognize that this stepford wife mentality may sound submissive to you. But wait dear feminists, the movement that you are part of is about choice, right?

In an article titled "A Spouse's Weight Gain Could Affect Your Sex Life," Toby Elkin quotes a woman who withholds sex from her beefy husband because she thinks, "It's kind of symbolic of the way he feels about our relationship." She makes a solid point that I in fact agree with!

Thirteen pounds later, I feel outstanding! I am so thankful for the honesty in my relationship. I love that my husband and I keep each other on our toes and always expect the very best.

BTW- It was Kate Moss who said, "Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels." I do not consider myself skinny, but if I did, I could definitely find something that tasted better!

Standing Outside the Circle

The definition of eloquence is "fluent, forcible, elegant or persuasive speaking in public. It is primarily the power of expressing strong emotions in striking and appropriate language, thereby producing conviction or persuasion. The term is also used for writing in a fluent style."

It is clear from the name of my blog that I do not put too much pressure on myself in the way of eloquence, when it comes to writing. At least not yet. This is certainly not true when speaking in public. I am a strong public speaker. A public speaker at all is strong.

I have been thinking a lot about my blog and with each post I become more comfortable with it. One of the thoughts that has been plaguing me is the feeling of being on the outside. It could be partly to do with the area in which I live; a tremendously academic area, crawling with highly educated and opinionated (ok, passionate) people. I ponder how ones physical location reflects in their blogs. If I were living in Manhattan as a Manhattanite, blogging about fashion and entertainment would not feel "dumb."

Blogging in Western Mass is like being a chef in Italy. The other chefs seem to be part of an elite crowd and the people eating are the harshest of critics. These elite intellectuals that I live amongst use words like lovely, musings, and plethora. As much as I value their eloquentness, I just can not bring myself to use the word "lovely."

Listen, I am not implying that I am having an identity-crisis at all. In fact, my sense of self is crystal clear. And I am certainly not implying that I am dumb. I am pretty dam smart actually. Writing has added a layer to my being that is requiring me to dig deep inside myself. What do I want to say? How quickly do I want to share myself with you?

Yesterday I read a post from my Mommy Bloggers Facebook Page written by Marian Kent. Quoting her, "Don't dumb down or squelch yourself, not for anyone." She writes of "using your words." It is my interpretation that she encourages the reader to dig deep, say what you feel, mean what you say, and be OK with it.

We are all standing outside some circles and holding hands or standing tall in the center of others. I think it is all a matter of perspective and who you choose to surround yourself with. But regardless of where we stand, our words come from within us and give us power beyond belief.

Obtrusive Thoughts

Starting off at about 6:30am when Victoria woke me up with her usual call of "NaNa mama, mama NaNa, Nani, " I started to think about food. Food and tea are of utmost importance to me. I pretty much make it through the day knowing that I will get to eat and drink tea all day.

Next thought that stands out comes at about 11:30 while walking down the makeup aisle of my local cvs. It popped in almost in PTSD fashion. (You know where you look around to be sure the person in your thought from years ago is not there) I'm 10 and I am so trying on lipstick in cvs. Very scary woman turns to me and says "Haven't you ever heard of AIDS?" F---! that scared me.

The afternoon goes by with one big intrusive thought that I still have not resolved. When do I come out of the closet? I mean, I have taken on this blog to share myself with God knows who, and somehow I can not completely let go. I may offend somebody that I care about or that only knows me in a certain light. And that got me thinking about the fact that people I see everyday who may be reading my blog are finding things out about me without me ever directly telling them. So I may be sitting with a friend talking about a movie and they may be thinking "I know that all you think about is food and that your baby still sleeps in bed with you and demands NaNa's at 6:45 in the morning. I am soliciting advice from any bloggers reading this. Is there a point where you say "F it" I am going to let it all hang out and show you all of me? Or do you keep up a wall for some time that slowly comes down, like you might with a budding friendship? I am also sending out an open invitation for anyone who reads my blog to tell me that you read it. Or don't, it may be more fun for you that way.

Now moving on to my impromptu trip to the Holyoke Mall. I need some kind of stroller so I decide that it might not be that bad to rent one of those ridiculous red plastic cars with the big black pole sticking out of them so they can't be stolen.

$4 later, I am wondering why the hell I thought this was a good idea. I feel like such an ass. I know I look like an ass. Every person that passed was thinking, poor girl, why doesn't she have her own stroller, they are not very expensive, it must be serious. I swear one lady wanted to give me hers. To add insult to injury, I look down to notice a sign on the small mesh bag for storing things that says "Do Not Put Child In Bag."

This confirms all of my thoughts of feeling like a complete ass strolling this dam thing around. The last straw came when I overheard a woman say to her friend "That's why animals eat their young." Get me the hell out of this place! Who knows what may pop in to this head if I stay here any longer. Victoria just may end up in that bag!

Research Pays Off

This past week marked my daughter Victoria's 18 month mark and therefore her 18 month check-up. Choosing a pediatrician for the first time can be a daunting task. I consider myself an expert researcher. I can get to the bottom of anything in minutes, sometimes seconds. Most people do not realize just how much information is available online and sometimes by simply making a good old fashioned phone call. (Which leads me to another thought about the AT&T sales guy who told me that people do not talk anymore and that the future business plan of AT&T is modeled around texting. Well they better invent voice activation text otherwise the roads are going to see more pileups then they can handle.)

My research in my 9th month of pregnancy led us to Dr. Brooks of Holyoke Pediatrics. The first time we visited with Dr. Brooks was at the 1 week mark. I was seriously committed to breastfeeding and seriously had no idea how much work it was going to be upfront. Now remember, I research everything, so I had heard that it takes work and that although it seems natural there is a learning curve involved. As we waited in the tiny little room, I was interested to see how my selection via internet research was going to pan out.

From the moment she walked through the door I knew I had done well. She was just so gentle. Not a meek, decile gentle. More of a peaceful, mellow gentle. She said very little, but said so much. (Keep in mind, my mom was injected by needle to dry up her milk with baby #1 and tied up with me. So she could not really help in the way of nursing.) Dr. Brooks told me that the next couple of weeks Victoria was going to suck the life out of me, literally, but that from there it only goes up. She empathized by telling me her experience of feeling so needed with her first. And how feeling so needed was so scary. Now it seems so basic and obvious, what she told me. But what I realize is that she didn't have to tell me. And who knows what that may have meant. When I left that room I had a new outlook. I felt empowered and OK.

This past visit left me again patting myself on the back for my master research skills. As Victoria and I waited she sat on my lap in diaper straddled facing me, (a recent favorite position to hold my baby and perfect for toddler nursing) as we read a book. Dr. Brooks walked in with her usual temperate demeanor, Victoria now resting her head on my chest. She looked over and said "Amazing, she still looks like she is part of you." We chatted about a couple of things and then in an air of easy unconcern she said, "she is average in height and she is slim." She immediately proceeded that with, "We don't worry about slim, we worry about not slim." I expressed my concern for a stubborn runny nose and she said, "We don't really worry about it unless it gets worse. Lingering is fine. Let me say this with more assertion, we don't worry about lingering at all."

After coming over and checking my ears to show Victoria just how easy and painless it was, she checked Victoria. Victoria was wailing in protest. She told me, "it was a sign of intelligence when a baby understood that she was the only one naked in a room of people." Exam over, baby nurses, room is calm. "Still enjoying nursing," says Dr. Brooks. Before she finished her very short sentence, I began to say, "I know I have to start" and before I finished she said, "no you don't, if it works for both of you, enjoy."

I went on to tell her it was amazing how full circle things have been. First visit, I didn't know how I could get through another day nursing and now 18 short months later I was trying to figure out how I could buy more days to nurse my sweet angel. "It is amazing to see a mother who truly enjoys her baby. It is the greatest gift you can give her, your love." A bit more conversation and as she began to leave she said, "keep doing what your doing, Victoria is perfect."

So it is here I want to say to Dr. Brooks, keep doing what your doing, you are perfect.

How To Add Your Blog To Your Facebook Page

More technology stuffy Mommy Bloggers.

You can add your blog to your Facebook Fan Pages to streamline things for your followers.

In order to do this your blog has to have an RSS feed. Most blogging platforms do, but to be sure you can usually look in your browser all the way to the right and it will say RSS.

There are several applications that can be used, but thus far I have found Social RSS to be the easiest to access and maintain.

Here are the steps to follow

1) While signed in to FB begin typing Social RSS in your search box at the top of your page and click on it to select.

2) Once there, click on the "add to my page" link under the picture. Next to your page click the "add to page" button.

3) Go to your Fan Page

4)Under your profile picture click "edit page."

5) Scroll down to Social RSS and click edit.

6) You will be taken to the Social RSS page. The first thing you need to do is hit the authorize Social RSS button. When the pop-up window appears hit "allow."

7) About half way down the page on the right you will see something that says quick select and it should have your Page in a drop down menu. If you have more then one page, they will all appear. Make sure the one you are looking to add the blog to is selected.

8)Under feed settings you need to add the exact URL where it says URL ( be sure you add the URL to your RSS feed not just your website URL) You can leave alternative link blank.

9)Under Tab Sections, add the title of your blog to the title box, a short description in the introduction box, a website link to your blog, and the number of posts you would like to show (max 10) at one time. You can customize the rest to your liking.

10) Click Update at the bottom and when the box comes up about a paid upgrade hit close.

11) To navigate back to your page look directly under the word Facebook at the top to find your page name and click it.

12) To make the tab visible click the + next to your tabs (wall, photo, etc) and highlight the RSS/Blog item.

13) Lastly, drag and drop this tab next to your info tab

Again pat yourself on the back for making your FB page even cooler!

Adding an Email-Sign Up Tab to Your Facebook Fan Page

Have you been looking for a way to add a tab to your Facebook Fan Page that will allow fans to sign up to receive your blog or newsletter?

Adding the Static FBML application to your page is easy!

I would print this post because you will get re-directed in the following steps. This will take about 30 minutes so set aside some time and be patient You'll be happy you did!

Adding the tab feature

1) Log in to your Facebook Account

2) Click here

3) From Static FBML fan page under the profile picture, click add to my page

4) A pop up will appear that will have your fan page/s listed, select the page you wish to add the tab to

Creating the Form

Please note that emailmeform.com free forms have many uses and once you are comfortable with the setup you can play around and customize it to suite your needs.

1) Click here

2) Hit Sign-Up now for free and sign up

3) Locate where it says create a new form and click on that

What to Input?

Step 1 of 7, Name the form Email Sign-Up or whatever you would like, use the email address you want the sign-ups to come to (Please note that you will have to manually add your new subscribers to your email list), use your companies website if you have one for the thank you email address (THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT, IT WILL SEND PEOPLE TO YOUR SITE AFTER THEY SIGN UP AS OPPOSED TO THE EMAILMEFORM SITE) and keep the #4 for the number of lines to start

Step 2 of 7, Now add what you want the form to say, such as "Your Name", "Your Email" "Age of Children" "Where did you hear about us" You can customize it for your needs.

Step 3 of 7, Leave it exactly the way it is

Step 4 of 7, Customize your form by changing the font, color of text and background by clicking on pick. The form description should read what you want the form to say at the top. (An example would be, "Leave your info to receive my blog posts straight to your inbox") Leave everything else the same

Step 5 of 7, Leave as is

Step 6 of 7, Check out what you made and make sure you like the colors, etc, you can go back and play with colors and heading if you want, once your happy click Finish.

Getting the Code

On the next page click on the highlighted area that says GET THE HTML CODE.

BAM, now you have your code, copy it and go back to FB.

Putting It All Together

1) From your FB fan page go to edit page under the picture

2) Scroll Down to the FBML app and click edit

3) In the top part enter what you want the tab to be called, such as Blog Sign-Up

4) In the box paste your code

5) Save Changes

6) At the top click on the link to get back to your page

7) There should now be a tab called Boxes

8) Click on the + sign and you should see something that says whatever you used as the header in step 3 of this section. Click on that.

9) Now you should see it in the tabs, but there is one last step.

10) Go back to the edit page and find your FBML app. Click application settings and where it says boxes hit remove.

11) Sorry one last step, pat yourself on the back for being an unbelievable person!

Feel free to comment with questions, love to help.

Want to do more with your FBML tab to further customize your page?

Check out Nathan Latka at Fan Page Factory on FB. He is the king of all things FBML!